Friday, August 3, 2012

Lennie Guttman: King of the Gutters -- Nachos Grande Contest

Sure, we all are mourning the death of our beloved Lennie Guttman, his smile, his arching eyebrows, his fine Guttman Gutter products. But we here at the Vealtones need to file a complaint about Detective Allen Ginter's scant report released so mysteriously to the public. It's almost as if Detective Ginter wants us to solve the case for him, the lazy bum.

Among the atrocities of omission Detective Ginter has committed was taking such a poor photo of Lennie, who always adorned himself dapperly with his toupee made of gutter sludge: dead leaves, raccoon fur, and bird nest sculpted into a snazzy pompadour. Lennie is rolling in his grave to see his scalp was so publicly exposed.

While Detective Ginter's report notes the time and place of death, the most perplexing element of his death was left out. Lennie was found hanging by his suspenders, upside down, from the Blinkington's gutters, which served as his place of work for the day. Mr. Peabody Blinkington, who first discovered the body, commented that Lennie finished the job, like he always did, in true Guttman bang-up style, and the new Blinkington gutters are reportedly now flowing like gang busters.

Because Lennie was the best gutter man to ever gutter up dem gutters. In high school, he broke the record for the fastest gutter hang, affixing two hundred feet of gutter to a 60 degree slope roof in fifty-seven minutes and twenty-two seconds. He held a starting spot on the Willow Cove Varsity Gutter Team for all four years of high school, Competitive Gutter Hanging being Willow Cove's top sport. Every citizen of Willow Cove remembers cheering him as he won state Gutter Championships, and the greatest travesty in Guttman's life was that the Olympics once again turned down votes to put Gutter Hanging into the Olympics.

Lennie will be missed by all, but the memory of his Gutter-rageous feats will live on in infamy forever, despite Detective Ginter's favor for ambiguous concision. Keep it guttery, Lennie. We'll miss you.

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